I'm at the point where I don't care anymore. I tried to move on and did move on (from being rejected). But, now everything is echoing back. All the ghosts are rising back.

I'm tired. Empathy is a curse. I don't want it. I want to be selfish.

I need to make a connection, I need a companion. I know a woman is not the answer to all my problems. But, it is a genuine gap in my life right now. Something I desire.

And please dont say to love myself first to find love. I do love myself. Very much so. I love how creative I am, I love how funny I am (absolutely lifts me to crack others up), I love how honest I am, I love my capacity to forgive, I love my altruism (whenever I ask or pray, like for eg. "Let everyone do well on this exam, including me"). I love myself and sometimes feel pity for those who don't know me. Now I'm getting snobbish

Anyways, I'm tired of it all. I have hit rock bottom. I am really happy for all the people for whom things are going right. But I don't want to be. For once, I want to be happy for myself.

I must add that sometimes I feel GUILTY for being as LUCKY as I am. I have the most wonderful family I could ask for. My Dad doesn't just inspire me, he has inspired everyone in his hometown and has changed so many lives. My mom showers me with so much Love, I really have no business asking for more. My sister is the most perfect gift that I ever got. We simply "click". I love her very very much and I thank God, Source, Higher Intelligence every day for blessing me with such a wonderful playmate.

And, my cousins are my greatest friends who support me for all the silly things I do and care for me more than they do for their own children. In short, I'm like the King of my family and that realization, as much as it should help, pushes me further into self-pity.

Because, there still is a gap. And, I'm normally good at looking over that gap and focusing on my studies. But, sometimes, I slip and fall in this hole. Opening my heart has not helped, here

I'm very honest with myself. And as stupid as it sounds to me while typing this - my cause for despair and depression is that I do not have a girlfriend. Someone, I can share the wonderful person that I am with.

This is not about peer pressure or social status. I just need that connection. I want Love. SO simple, yet so tough.

Thanks for reading.

seelenliebe, nice to see you back here, where have you been ? for so long

Well, they say to seek a person you have to be sensitive at the vibrations between the lines and around the letters. Some of us get used to certain vibrations.

I really like my *new* place, today is very warm and the town is so quiet now that the holiday season is over. I noticed a couple of great houses near my apartment. May be, something to manifest in the future, I will see.

Good luck with the spiritual work;)

Hey, man, I was in your shoes too! ))) And who wasn't? )))

It's a benefit of living in the physical world. Here love is not always unconditional. People mostly practice conditional love when they choose their partners. - They like when they are liked by partners whom they like too. And many other conditions.

But you can't find it in non-physical world. So it's a rarity. Enjoy it while it lasts! Enjoy your feelings they won't stay for long. You came here to enjoy it.

Does it make any sense to you?

It all makes sense. Intellectual sense. But, it makes no emotional sense.

One day, I feel as if I have moved on, and the next everything comes rushing back.